I survived.  I’m still breathing.  I’m alive.

New Year’s Resolutions?  I don’t make those anymore.  I have life goals.  I certainly have a bucket list.  There’s a few other things up my sleeves that I want to share with the world if I’m so lucky to be able to do so.

Four years ago I had just been diagnosed with an aggressive form of leukemia.  My life had literally flipped upside down overnight along with my families and loved ones.  It didn’t feel real.  It felt as if I was watching this horrible thing happen…but to someone else.

Cancer taught me many life lessons.  It did change me, how could it possibly not?  I spent 1/3 of 2014 in a hospital, had a life altering transplant and will have health issues the rest of my life.  I came close to dying.  It’s not something you just get over.  There are lingering effects on your body, mind, and soul.

I promised myself that if I made it out of that nightmare alive, I wouldn’t waste time.  Time is too precious.  I would take risks.  I wouldn’t be scared.  I would know my worth.  I simply wanted to be happy and alive.  To truly live.

Braveheart

One of my favorite movies.  It’s a great story line with great dialogue but more than that it’s a story of perseverance and fighting for something you believe in which I can relate to now.  It’s inspirational every single time I see it and I’ve watched it more times over the years than I can remember.  The tragic love story and bloody action is just a plus.  If you know me, you know how I do love my gore!

Freedom:  The power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.  What William Wallace was fighting so vigorously for in Braveheart and what so many people fight for every day in one way or another.  To have a voice.  To be free in every facet of your life.  To be who you want and are meant to be.  Not to hide or lose your true self.  Not to dull your shine.  Not to be frightened or scared of the consequences your actions or words may afflict upon you.  You be you…100%.

“Your heart is free…have the courage to follow it.”  Malcolm Wallace 

Scream Inside

For so long I had a voice but I could not talk.  I felt like I was crazy but I knew in my heart that wasn’t true.  I believed my story was happy…until I didn’t.  After all of the cancer and then a divorce; I’ve started over completely from scratch.  With nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  Except for my cat who is the only one I can count on for morning kisses.  I think it’s official that I’m a single crazy cat lady.  Then right around the same time as my divorce was finalized; my company, M3 Makeup, gets a ridiculous complaint that basically forces us to expand.  So there’ve been many changes and challenges these last few months to get us where we need to be.  Although scary, we’re also very excited.  We’ve been busy little bees.  More details coming soon!

I could have given up.  I’ve thought about it many times.  I’ve had very dark days.  I can be in such a dark place because of all the circumstances, that I find it hard to crawl out.  I’ll be in a public place and drift away in my head and I’ll just want to scream as loud as I can…but I never do.  I often wonder why I don’t give up.

Time’s Up

Women are strong.  We are so much stronger than what we give ourselves credit for.  Everyone has their own story.  Some more tragic than others.  Everyone should stop and look around.  Where are you?  In the shitty thick of it?  Or is that in your past and you’re now in a better place?  Be grateful for what you have.  Or for the possibilities.  We can do anything.  I’m thankful I have a voice again.  I’m proud of who I am.  Even with all my quirks and memory loss.  I am flawsome.

Flawsome:  An individual who embraces their “flaws” and knows they’re awesome regardless. 

I am so very thankful that I’ve had many people to let me know that I’ve inspired them.  That gives me more joy than I could ever possibly explain.  I’ve had people tell me that when they’re feeling down, they think of me and my spirit.  Others have said they try their best not to sweat the small stuff anymore.  I even had one person give up smoking after following my story.  They said that life was too short.

Women are embracing their voices when they’re involved in an injustice.  It has become a domino effect.  We should have each other’s backs and believe one another when we say “me too.”  May all woman realize no one has the right to make them feel lesser than and make them afraid to speak out.  I applaud these women and can only hope it encourages more women to do the same.  We all have voices and truths that need to be heard.

I know why I don’t give up.  Even if I forget at times.  Because I survived.  That is a miracle.  And it’s ok if things are not ok.  As long as I’m alive, there’s always hope.