Where are You in Your Life’s Journey?

Childhood is over before it even began

For the most part, I really enjoyed my childhood.  Don’t get me wrong, we were far from being a cookie cutter family.  But it was my family and I thought we were perfectly normal.  One thing that bothers me when looking back is that for as long as I can remember, I was always in such a rush to grow up.  When I was in elementary school, couldn’t wait to get to middle school.  Same for high school.  Have my learner’s permit.  Can’t wait to have my driver’s license.  I always thought I had to have a boyfriend.  If I didn’t have one, I was a loser.  I’m lucky to say that with so many mistakes I made in that department, I do have some fond memories of puppy love which one never forgets their first love.  Senior year done…time for college.  Time to be independent and break away from the safety of your nest.  Which at the time you are bursting to do that you think you’re just going to die.  Go to college.  Learn more lessons than classes could ever teach you.  Fall in love…I thought.  Ok, I now have a degree.  Now it’s time to have a career and finally live life.  Get married.  Start a family.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.  Why was I always in such a rush for the next big thing?  Why couldn’t I just be happy with where I was in life?  Where was my patience?  I feel I missed so much life and that makes me sad.  The saddest part…most of you reading this right now can relate 100% to what I’m saying.  And if you can’t or didn’t do this, I envy you greatly and you are a step above the rest of us.

Spirals

Where am I going with this?  I don’t know.  I just felt like talking about that and getting it off my chest.  That’s what cancer does to you though.  It makes you think…a lot.  When I started this blog, I had no direction in where I wanted to take it.  I also had no idea how many people would actually read it which has been one of the best, most unexpected and fulfilling rewards in my life.  I have said time and time again that the support I have received with the blogging is why I continue to blog. What I have been through I would not wish on my greatest enemy.  You see, I am very skilled in making myself believe things.  To believe in myself.  To have hope and faith that not only will I survive but I will thrive.  That all of this has a greater purpose which will be shown to me one day.  

So I stay positive, continue smiling, and wake up every day with the best intentions possible.  But cancer is with me like a dark angel every single moment of every day reminding me of what once was, what is, and what could be.  It saddens me greatly and if I’m not careful, I can spiral out of control.  I have my moments…it’s inevitable.  Some times those moments can be longer than I want them to be.  Until I realize what’s happening and I have to save myself once again.

 I know that God has worked overtime on me since my diagnosis and all of your prayers have helped immensely.  But at the end of the day, so much of it depends on me.  Having cancer and getting through it is a huge endeavor.  

Helping Me to Help You

By writing Charmed Life, Meet Cancer and inviting you into my world, I have now made you a part of it.  The amount of messages or stories that have been told to me about the blog helping others is something that helps me drag myself out of that black hole.  I’m going to shine a light on a few of my favorite moments that have come from you guys:

• A friend who decided to quit smoking back in November.  I had written in one of the blogs about what people with cancer want you to know.  One of those things is that we don’t want anyone else to go through this.  My friend decided her actions were selfish to her loved ones and every time she wants to smoke, she thinks about that post.  She also said the following, “People like to say everything happens for a reason.  I don’t think so.  Bad things just happen and it’s how you deal with it.  You are dealing like a boss.”  I say, “I agree and thanks! To recognize your habit is dangerous to your health and to have the courage to quit, you are awesome.  Keep up the amazing work!”
• I’m all about not sweating the small stuff.  (And it’s all small stuff if you have your health!)  So many people have told me that they’ve really tried to live by that more now.
• A few readers who now look at life in a new way.
• It’s gotten people through difficult moments in their life.
• Helped people to understand a cancer patients point of view and know how to better relate to them.
• When having a bad day or feeling sorry for themselves, they look at my blog.  Some do it as a reminder.  Others do it because it makes them smile.  (This one I find a little funny only because basically they’re like, “when I’m feeling sorry for myself, I look at everything you’ve been through and realize I’m being dumb.”)  And to that I say, as much as I’ve been through, there’s always someone out there who has it worst.  So I do the same thing you do.  If I start feeling sorry for myself, I remember how blessed I am to still be alive.  And I pray for those who are still battling or who have lost their fight.
• New mommies donating their babies cord blood.  Remember…they didn’t find a donor match for me so they had to use cord blood.  Thank God for that Mommy who saved my life.
• People signing up to become donors to possibly save a life one day with Be The Match.  
• Touched lives greatly with strength and courage and determination and perspective.

These are all true and have not been fabricated by me in any way!  How could this not make me want to do everything I can in my power to beat this thing?  So when I say that my readers give me strength, you now see first hand.  You think I’ve done so much with my words.  When it’s you that helps me find those words and have helped me get through the worst thing I’ve ever encountered.  I am forever grateful.  

Happy Easter!!

What a joyful time of year this always is.  I was so happy to have an amazing day with the family this past Sunday.  It was a bit of a repeat from our beach trip a few weeks ago with one sweet addition…my husband.  April 5, 2015 was the first time Scott & I have been to the beach together since my transplant.  Even though it was a bit cold and very windy at first, it turned out to be a magical day.  Breathtaking view, sunbathing, walks on the beach, stealing kisses, twirling with my bubby, tai chi in the sand, clam chowder, custard dessert and the best part of all…enjoying all of this with my family.  Since having cancer, the amazing moments in life somehow seem sweeter.  And for that, I thank cancer.

Daytona Beach Shores.

Photoshoot time.  I’m channeling Audrey Hepburn.  Loving the vintage look!

Me, Scott, & Shawn.  Bubby spinning me around.  (Better take advantage now while I’m still thin with little muscle, lol!)  Mom & I doing tai chi.

I don’t know about you, but I feel like I learn new lessons every day.  I was in such a rush to grow up. Almost like I was wishing time away.  (Stupid kid/past Michele.)  Now, I just want time to slow down.  Here I am, hopefully somewhat wiser, ready to enjoy life as it is.  The journey is the best part.