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Feb. 12th – on my way home at last. |
My last blog, CANCER…The Brutal Truth, certainly got some action. It wasn’t my typical ‘happy go lucky’ way of writing so I didn’t know how it would be received. But I am glad I took a risk and that people still read it because it’s important that you have the best understanding possible if you know someone going through something similar. Or if you’re going through this right now, you can relate and know you’re not alone. Someone on FB said it very well, “Sometimes it’s better to give people the sour so they can appreciate the sweet.” So to keep up with these segments and give you an even closer look into my life; the life of a leukemia patient who is in remission, we will move right along with what happened when I got out of the hospital that first time on February 12th. It’s like a Cancer Reality Show but without the show, fame, or money!
“You’re going to stick that where?!”
I’m home and we’ve already made the decision to meet with a fertility doctor to see what our options are. I remember sitting in his office with my husband going over everything. I had already been through so much and now we were willingly getting ready to put me through more. All I could think about was the family that I have been wanting for years. This was our best and practically only chance at us having a child of our own one day. So we did it. That was 10 days of pure hell. To this day, one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen in my life is a rather large box that showed up at our house filled with nothing but needles. Everything was happening so quickly that we hadn’t even been told that shots would be part of the process.
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Always getting stuck with needles! |
I had cancer. I was weak and not in good mental or physical shape. I was taking fertility antibiotics along with my cancer pills. I had to go to the clinic every other day to have blood drawn and ultrasounds done. My husband was giving me anywhere from 2-4 shots on a daily basis. With the first shot, he saw how nervous I was so he said (in the sweetest voice) “it’s for babies.” So I made him say that with every single shot after that. I experienced morning sickness with what the process was doing to my body so I was sick every day. On February 27, I had to do a bone marrow biopsy for the cancer. On February 28, we did the egg retrieval surgery.
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After the egg retrieval surgery. |
I was still in so much pain from the biopsy that I could barely lay on the table at the fertility clinic. Not to mention, it took the nurse three times of sticking me before calling over another nurse to find a good vein. I swear this sounds like a sad country song! You can’t make this stuff up. This is the shortened version of the whole experience. Eggs, Follicles, & Embryos…Oh My! goes into more detail. That one was and always will be close to my heart because it’s about hope for future babies. Tuesday, March 4th I was back in the hospital for my second round of chemo.
Tic…Toc…Tic…Toc
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Hey! Stop looking at my follicles! |
Fast forward a year, our precious embryos have been in storage and are just waiting. As am I. Just waiting. As already mentioned, we have to get to that year mark before making any big future plans. I’m still in the process of healing my mind, body, and spirit. My doctors are still in the process of keeping me alive and well. My life is still so far from normal. But it doesn’t make it any less hard knowing how much I want children and how I feel I have been waiting for so long. The dirty truth? It’s hard. Seeing best friends, friends, and acquaintances having babies left and right is hard. I’m so happy for them and at the same time, a little hurt because that’s what I want. I know I’m not alone in this. I may just be the only idiot to actually say anything while others just think it. For those who are able to have these little blessings of joy, just know that giving birth is nothing short of a miracle. So many women out there have difficulties when it comes to being able to have children for so many different reasons. You just want to know, “Why?” “Why is it so hard for me?” “Why can’t I just be normal?” “Why didn’t I start earlier?” Without over thinking it and going into deep depression, you just have to have hope. Hope and faith that what will be will be.
Perfect Timing = Non Existent
We can’t even think about moving forward before my year mark. Once July comes, we’ll sit with our doctors and hopefully come up with a game plan. However, I’ve already been told that I would not be able to carry a baby while having my immunizations done which spans two years. Even then there’s no guarantee that it will take. Which is why we’re certainly considering surrogacy. My body has been through so much already and I can’t help but think it may not be the most appropriate vessel for carrying a baby. I would want to give my child the best possible chance of being born healthy. And if that means in another’s body, than so be it. Once again though, there’s no 100% guarantee. So then the next step would be looking at adoption. As my husband puts it, “I have so much love to give and being able to give that to a child will make me the happiest I could ever be in life.” So many children out there need loving homes and parents. I would be honored to be the mother of an adoptive baby if that’s where our road leads us.
After the last 14 months of everything that I’ve gone through, I’d like to think that I deserve this.
And what I want, very simply, is a baby God willing. We should never put off what we really want in life. So many people wait for the ‘perfect time’ to do something they’ve been wanting to do. If cancer’s taught me just one thing it would be that there is no such thing as the ‘perfect time.’ Don’t wait around. Don’t make excuses. Don’t forget to live in the present and live the life you desire. I will continue to do my best at living in the present and we shall see what the future brings.
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I could do this. |
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This too much?? |
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Perfect. |
Hang in there….God is good!