“Hello, my name is Michele and I’m a leukemia survivor. Also, I should let you know that I can’t have any children. I want children. I want a family. That’s always been my biggest dream. Somehow life just keeps getting in the way of that and I can’t help but think, maybe it’s not in the cards for me. I’m doing decently but my health is and will always be a bit fragile. If you can look past that, there’s so much more to me that I can offer. I refuse to be defined by what happened to me; however, it continues to haunt me. Oh and I live in a tiny house.”
This is what dating looks like for me.
Obviously there’s a bit more conversation and some laughs. I know what you’re thinking…it’s not fair, right? Full disclosure up front…After everything I’ve been through. After the hardship of cancer taking away the ability of me being able to bear my own children, I have to now share that with an almost stranger not only so that they understand my situation but also to give them an out. What chance do I stand?! Normal situation; guy and girl meet. Fall in love. Marry. Start trying for a family. THEN realize there’s a problem. At that point look at their alternative methods for having a child.
I feel like I’m stuck in the Alanis Morissette song “Ironic.”
Netflix & Chill
It had been over 10 years since I’ve dated. What should have been a simple divorce, has turned into a much longer process than anticipated. I just want us to both be able to go on with our lives. I’ve been fighting since 2014. At this point in my life, I just want peace.
With extremely low expectations, I decided to try my hand at dating. I called it “practicing” when first trying out a few online dating sites. I had no idea what I was doing and still don’t. Swiping left and right on Tinder was the first mistake. Bumble was the second. Found some real charmers on there. That’s where I actually got my first “Would you like to netflix and chill?” from a beefcake. Me being who I am responded as such…”I love staying in and watching Netflix! What’s your favorite show? I prefer wearing flannel pjs and fuzzy socks when all curled up on the couch.” Moron didn’t get that I was joking. So I kept up this facade for some time and just played with him to see what he would say at each turn. He explained how he was over the traditional dating scene. That he was young and trying to have fun experiences…all safe of course. (Good he didn’t skip sex ed in H.S.) He basically compared dating to small talk. His way of doing things was like skipping the formalities that society has brainwashed us to deem necessary because most of those formalities are a waste of time. (Wth?!) Eventually he figured out that I was just playing around with him with my responses and basically threw a temper tantrum. It was quite funny actually. 1) People actually exist like this and 2) I’m sure plenty of girls would go for that because he’s hot. WOMEN…have some integrity!!
Modern Dating Lingo
I’m about to educate all my lovely readers who have not had the displeasure of dating in forever. You are not missing out on anything! There are more but these are some of my favorites. These are actual slang terms to keep up with now as if the world wasn’t confused enough about love in the 21st century.
- DTR: An abbreviation of the phrase ‘define the relationship’
- Ghosting: Disappearing on someone suddenly, instead of breaking up with them in a straightforward way. (Is it still considered ghosting when you just stop talking to someone but you’ve never met?? So many questions…)
- Benching: Being inconsistent in your treatment of a person when you are unsure about your feelings for them.
- Catfishing: Pretending to be someone you are not online, in order to attract people.
- Slow Fade: Gradually cutting off communication with someone by easing the let down process over a period of time.
- Jelly: Slang for the word jealous.
- Non Date Date: A date widely referred to as ‘hanging out.’ Usually including alcohol and subtle flirtation, this is also accompanied by confusion by what the date means.
It is seriously an ungodly amount of dating sites. I went on Coffee meets Bagel. I think I was the coffee. I was not impressed with the bagels they were hooking me up with! Finally, I figured you get what you pay for and all these sites I had been on were free so I can understand the results I was getting. I broke down and tried Match.com. First impression was that this was going to be a better experience. More “qualified leads” as I would say in the business world. It was overwhelming at first. So many messages from different suitors. There I was practicing again. My favorite messages I would receive would be “Hey” or “What’s up”. Seriously? What is a person supposed to do with that?! I’d look at their age and see that they have no reason to be just using one or two word conversation starters. Mainly I would look for guys who could write messages that would tickle my curiosity.
PLEASE CLICK DOWN BELOW SO YOU CAN SEE HOW I FEEL 90% OF THE TIME:
You may be wondering, was it a success? Did I meet someone on Match? I did. No matter how sweet, funny, charming, good you smell, or how much you can make someone smile, the fact remains…I can’t have children. If they can’t see the bigger picture, there’s nothing you can do. It really pulls at your heart strings. Something you can’t control. Something you want. The very thing they hold against you. What’s worse, after what I thought were some of the best weeks I had had in a long time, I got just a text saying goodbye. A text. I’ve heard of this happening but this is a first for me. That’s cold.
When you’ve been on your deathbed, you look at life so differently than normal people. I try to live each day to its fullest and find myself lucky if I find someone with whom I connect. However, this little exercise of mine has shown me that I want to focus on myself for a while. A. Good. Long. While.
I will have a family one day. Who says I need a man to do this? Matter of fact, I’m starting to see more and more that I can do so much on my own anyway. Relationships are far too overrated. My heart will only open for a deserving love a long time from now in a galaxy far, far away.