I’m going to start today by saying “Cancer Sucks!” You lose all control of your life and everything changes over night. BUT, when I start feeling down, I have to remind myself that I’m still here fighting the fight. And I don’t plan on going anywhere.
As surprising as it may seem, one of the monumental and most disappointing moments thus far has been losing my hair. Less than two weeks after my diagnosis, late one evening I started noticing a little extra hair coming out more so than normal. By the next morning, it was coming out in clumps. The more it came out, the more I kept pulling, the more freaked out I was becoming. I just remember staring at myself in the hospital bathroom’s mirror in disbelief. My long beautiful blonde hair had finally gotten to the length I wanted. I’m not a cocky person, but I received compliments daily confirming other people loved my hair almost as much as I did.
|Cruise Dec. 2013 with mother in law/Pre-cancer hair|
The next series of events were some of the bleakest of my life. Yes, I’m being somewhat dramatic. But during and looking back, that’s how it felt. As stated already, the following morning was when it had really started coming out. I’m lucky enough to know many hairstylists because of my profession. One of my stylist friends was sweet enough to come in to wash and dry my hair. We had no idea what was to come. While shampooing, she gave me an amazing scalp massage which is very standard. Obviously someone with cancer and is undergoing chemotherapy, this is a huge NO NO. My hair became one huge knot. It was like I had dreadlocks. It was beyond a tangled mess. We worked more than an hour trying to get it out. My hair just kept coming out which made me go into a panic attack. It wasn’t her fault, it wasn’t mine either. How could we have known that could or would have happened?! I felt bad for putting her in that position. I know she was terrified at what was happening. Finally after getting it to a stopping point, we let her go home and I called on one of my best friends who has been my personal stylist for 5+ years. There was no other choice put to cut all of it off into a short bob. Holding the hand of one of my other best friends visiting from VA, Vicki Brown, I cried while watching all of my hair fall to the ground. Surprisingly, the bob was adorable and everyone loved it including myself. That helped calm me back down.
That was a short lived happiness for me and my hair. The next day, I woke up with it thinning and falling out the worst it had been. I made the decision to have it shaved completely off instead of watching my hair slowly die which somehow seemed much more depressing to me than just doing the inevitable. Once again, I trusted and called on my hairstylist best friend, Marissa, to do the unspeakable. If she was nervous or sad, she did not show it and for that I am forever grateful. With the support of my husband that evening and some great friends,the imminent panic attack was averted. It was done. My hair was gone. And I stayed strong enough to let out only little whimpers of sadness. Big girls don’t cry, right? (WRONG) But I didn’t that night.
|The Buzz Party|
Here I am…weeks later and I’m alright. I haven’t gone into a deep depression over loss of hair. Actually, I’m getting use to my shaved head and some times I prefer to rock that over one of the awesome wigs I’ve purchased. Little known fact, obviously my husband prefers rocker chicks so he’s been loving the new ‘do. By the way, who knew synthetic wigs could look so real?! I decided to go in that direction since real human hair wigs can start at $1500. And our medical bills are enough right now to where we just can’t justify that kind of careless spending.
So here I am with my new wigs and new confidence. Also, I’m proud to say that I just celebrated my 31st b-day on 3/13/14. This years birthday brings on a whole new meaning for me and I try to be thankful for each moment I’m blessed with. Thank you for reading. Thank you for caring. And do me a favor…stop complaining about your hair. Love it because for those of you who have not lost your hair against your will, you truly don’t know what it feels like to have that taken away from you. So cherish it and if you don’t like it, do something about it!
|The new “Michele” wig|
|My alter ego, “Tiffany” at my b-day celebration|